Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
