the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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