1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
