I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
