My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
