new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize