isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
