Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
