i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
