I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
