i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
