I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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