I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
