So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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