Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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