YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
