some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm getting married
To pizza
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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