my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
