My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
