Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
