I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
