did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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