No awkward lesbian experiences without me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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