Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
