To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
