I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
