My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
