this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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