i don't like sucking hair
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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