apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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