Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
