Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
