Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
