Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
