drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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