the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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