i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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