Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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