Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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