Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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