i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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