i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
