If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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