You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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