wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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