I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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