and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
