I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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