the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize