Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
