We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize