i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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