I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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