nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
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